In a Relationship Sex is the Key

In a Relationship Sex is the Key

By Dr. Tseday Aberra

Nature has decided that men are more susceptible to sex than women. Women are blessed with taming their sexual appetites far efficiently than men. So when you ask women why they marry, they tell you it is for the affection and companionship. Men also tell you for companionship, but it is primarily for the availability of sex. Affection and companionship in a marriage includes sex for men. But I’m not so sure it is so for women.

People say marriage is difficult. Wrong. I say a husband and a wife make it difficult. Marriage is difficult for anyone who fails to understand what it means to be in one, and what it takes to make it fulfilling. It takes commitment and work, indeed, but it is certainly not difficult. At least it does not have to be.

Marriage requires understanding. It is an agreement based on an understanding between a husband and a wife. It is an entity that is created in order to give them meaning that otherwise does not exist. This meaning is completely subjective since its foundation is based on the unique agreement created by the two in the marriage. It requires both to participate and contribute willingly and completely. Otherwise, it would not exist in fulfilling form.

No one can definitely tell you what marriage is and what it is suppose to mean other than what I have just told you. You make of it what you want. The difficulty that comes with this freedom is knowing the limitations of what you can make of it. You cannot make it yours nor can he make it his. It belongs to you both. Once it is created, it has its own life and its purpose is to give you meaning. To create it, however, both of you are required to provide certain instruments that will keep it alive and fulfilling. These instruments are not negotiable. Among all of them, the most important is sex.

When a husband and wife decide to settle down, after having picked a mate of their choosing, what they do to keep each other depends on how committed they are to fulfilling the agreement. Their commitment in contributing the necessary instruments in giving life to the marriage and maintaining its viability is most crucial.

Times have changed. The 21st century has leveled the playing field so that the only thing a husband and a wife require from each other is companionship. The one element that will not be equalized, however, is a husband’s need to go to his wife for sex. Therefore, a husband comes into a marriage, having lost all his bargaining power, with a promise of one thing and one thing only: sexual companionship. A wife who is committed to her marriage ought to know the position of her husband. She ought to know his predicament. Being in a powerful position, a wife ought to know her husband is at her complete mercy. She also ought to know how she uses her power determines the vitality of the marriage.

If by some chance, a wife does not care to her husband’s needs enough and often, he will have a hard time acknowledging whether there is a relationship tailored to meet his benefits. Now remember, a husband comes into a marriage willingly, and should also be willing to give all that he has. He has volunteered to commit and participate. And in return, he expects sex. When I say all that the husband has to give, it encompasses all the instruments he contributes to create and maintain the marriage. A husband will not hold back whatever is needed to make his marriage a place of sanctity.

A wife comes into this marriage expecting affection and companionship. However, she has to come with a special instrument in particular. Yes, there are other instruments that she has to bring also, but…on a serious note…, she has to bring one thing…the IT…and the willingness to use IT and make IT available. Without going into detail what a husband brings as instruments to create and maintain a marriage because they are not as important as what the wife brings specifically, the instrument that a wife brings is by far the most essential piece of the marriage. The IT is sacred and essential. If you toy with IT, you will lose the marriage. If you hold on to IT, you will lose the marriage. If you ration IT, you will lose the marriage. Guaranteed!

Having already lost his bargaining power, a husband comes into the marriage knowing and hating to be in a position where he has to rely completely on his wife for sex. When she rations sex, a husband learns that his dear wife is conniving, selfish, mean, but most of all, untrustworthy. He realizes that his wife holds all the cards of intimacy and that she can always put him back in his place. Not as a man but as a husband, he sadly realizes that he cannot rely on her. His trust is broken.

Very often a wife forgets that her vindictive behavior leaves a scar on her husband that she cannot remedy at a later time. After a fight, there is a whole lot of “forgiving” that takes place by both, but very little of “forgetting” by the husband especially. What your husband would not forget is that one of the most crucial instruments that is required to create and maintain a fulfilling marriage is actually negotiable, and that it depends on the whimsy of a wife that he just found out to be conniving, selfish, and mean.

Let me tell you, dear wife, once such a doubt creeps into your husband, not only would you lose him, but definitely you would lose your marriage. Take it from me, there is no therapy in this world that will bring back the marriage.

Next time, before you decide to hold on to sex because you had a point to make, think a moment and realize what is REALLY at stake.


About the Author:
Ethiopian-born, Dr. Tseday Aberra, is a Clinical and Forensic Psychologist. She has a private practice in the greater Los Angeles area and also works for the California Department of Corrections. She holds M.S. in Marriage, Family, Child Counseling and A Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology. She is recognized as an expert by California Superior Courts and gives seminars nationwide on marriage, relationships, and friendship. She has made a guest appearance on Court TV.

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Happy Couples: What’s Their Secret?

15 Responses to “In a Relationship Sex is the Key”

  1. 1 Venus Apr 6th, 2007 at 12:47 am

    What Dr. Tseday Aberra states is completely true! I personally have suffered the consequences. It has been two years and I still cry and wish I can do something that will bring him back.

  2. 2 Heyab Muluneh Apr 6th, 2007 at 10:15 pm

    Hi Tadias this is Heyab Muluneh “( Aida Muluneh’s Youngest Sister )” I jus wanted to
    quickly compliment you on the fact that you guyz recognized Dinaw Mengestu – a really good
    writer I must say. I jus finished reading ” The Beautiful things That Heaven
    Bears”. It is a well written book and i have an upcoming reading journal entry
    that i have to do and you might be wondering “reading journal??” But I am a grade 8
    student and i am doing it on that specific book. Anyways I jus wanted to say my
    mother always checks your website, and she asked me to go on your website so i can see Aida on
    it (the Untold story of Ethiopians in Cuba) and i realized you guyz also did an interview with Dinaw Mengestu as well.

    Thank you!

  3. 3 Engnieer/Dr.Dagn. A Jun 26th, 2007 at 8:04 pm

    Sexual Healing to all Ethiopians
    “3” secrets of better sex

    These better sex secrets don’t require special techniques or mail-order potions – most of them are simple things you can try at home.
    1. Take care of yourself
    Keeping your body in top-notch condition can help you enjoy a better sex life. Here are some easy steps to help you get there:
    -Exercise, It improves stamina and helps with blood circulation (needed for a healthy erection). And you’ll look fitter and more toned too!
    -Eat a healthy diet, Healthy foods will help you maintain your weight, and also give you the fuel you need for all of your daily activities, including sex.
    -Quit smoking, This will improve your health (and give you fresher breath).
    -Get help with health problems, If you have sexual health problems such as low desire, erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation, see your doctor. These conditions can be treated. Finding and treating other health problems, such as sexually transmitted infections (also known as sexually transmitted diseases), and problems with the nervous system or blood vessels, can also help improve your sex life.
    -Take your medications as directed.
    2. Communicate with your partner
    Communication is the key to great sex:
    -Talk, Even though talking about sex may feel awkward at first, it’s worth it.
    -Be honest, If you don’t like something your partner is doing, or if you’re uncomfortable with what’s going on, let your partner know.
    -Focus on the positive, If your partner does something you like, tell them.
    -If you’re feeling shy, use non-verbal clues. By moving and making noises, you can let your partner know how you feel without having to say a word.
    -Let your partner know what you enjoy in bed, and find out what they like.
    -Don’t hide STDs. If you have a sexually transmitted infection (also known as a sexually transmitted disease [STD]), tell your partners so they can protect themselves.
    -Don’t hide sexual problems. If you’re struggling with a sexual problem such as low desire, erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation, talk to your partner about it. This will help them understand it’s not their fault, and help them help you.
    Good communication can help take your sex life, and your relationship, to new heights. Try it tonight!
    3. Shake it up, baby
    Sex is supposed to be fun! Strangely enough, it’s easy to forget that. Put the fun back into your sex life with a little experimentation:
    -Trade fantasies. Find out what your partner would like to try in bed, and share your own desires.
    -Add to the wardrobe. Buy your partner some new lingerie or other sexy bedroom clothes.
    -Vary the scenery. Try having sex in a new, unusual place.
    ·Pencil it in. Too busy for sex? Put it in your schedule. Make a date for sex, or plan a sexy getaway. Sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be good.
    -Daydream. Take a few moments throughout the day to think about sex – it keeps the engines stoked.
    -I’m really proud to see like Dr. Tseday Aberra and other to teach on this subject matters…….
    I’m hoping that you’ll learn something. It’s clips from my research at Rush medical hospital. On Health channels reports advice article-56 that was published in 2003@ UIC.
    Thank you!.
    Dr.Dagn A.

  4. 4 anonymous Jul 7th, 2007 at 2:52 am

    I think this is complete rubbish. Women have urges just as men do and everyone has the ability to control these urges. This kind of “advice” to women is harmful, in my opinion. Did you ever think that maybe there would be a reason for why a wife would not want to sleep with her husband? Obviously there’s a bigger issue between them that needs to be addressed. Using sex for power is totally wrong. Marriage is a spiritual union that goes way beyond sexual availability.

  5. 5 mr.x Jul 12th, 2007 at 5:23 pm

    what an explanation…The writer did this with all her attitude.
    And tried to portrait women like angels(..but unfortunately without
    wings).All she said was women are just affection..and
    But what she forgot is women are also just flesh like men,and hot blood
    loaded with hormones is runnig through their veins.
    And there are only three reasons why either of them fail to get interested

    1.There is big problem between their affairs and they need to fix that
    2.Either of them have medical problem and need to see a doc.
    3.Extramarrital affair.

  6. 6 anonymous Jul 21st, 2007 at 6:15 am

    I agree with “anonymous” completely.
    Thank you for your bold candor on the subject of sexuality and submission. If a wife’s desire does not match her husband’s, she should have the right to be honored. Just as you are asking her to honor his sexual appetite, he needs to honor hers. Marriage is an exchange of people being supportive of each other, not just of a wife being supportive of her husband. The balance is what makes a wonderful marriage. I have been married to the same man for 45 years, and we listen and respond to each other, sexually and in all things. My needs and desires, or lack of them, are always as important as his. This works.
    Thank you “anonymous” for your bluntness.

  7. 7 fikir Aug 17th, 2007 at 1:28 am

    I am sorry Doctor. I just couldn’t understand why sex is the key.
    I hope to be married one day but I hope sex is not the key.
    I feel disappointed that I will never find someone who wants to connect through other means besides sex. Maybe I will stay single forever if sex is the key. Thanks.

  8. 8 franchise Aug 21st, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Sex can some time be the key, but if you are putting it down,
    right sex is not the key for a successful relationship. It
    is best to talk out your prolems. After you and your mate get done having sex, the
    prolem will still be there, maybe even worse

  9. 9 Krish Sep 3rd, 2007 at 6:55 am

    Offcourse better sex is key relation for happy married life.

  10. 10 Krish Sep 3rd, 2007 at 6:57 am

    some one can contact me if interested for advice.

  11. 11 Totem Jan 4th, 2008 at 10:31 am

    The point that the good doctor makes is actually very manipulative Dr. Tseday Aberra is saying women should use their sexuality or sexual organ the IT to their advantage.She doesnt mention love or pleasure which are two good enough reasons for a married couple to have sex

    Sex for women equals power to her, can a wife just want to have sex with the husband she loves for the pleasure of it?. She says women come into a marriage for compnaionship and not sex. Some women go into marriage expecting a good sex life to be part of it.

    And for a doctor it is strange that she advocates women using their bodies whether they like it or not if they dont for whatever reason justified or not, then she doesnt explore what made the wife refuse to have sex with her husband but makes it a foregone conclusion that the marriage will fail.

    A marriage might fail without sexual participation by both partners, by the same token it will also fail if one of the partners feels the only thing holding her marrigae together is her and he willingness to have sex come rain or shine I agree with anonymous, this kind of advice is harmful to women, than God some of us know better. She also does not mention the cases where there was no shortage of sex in a marriage but were no other ties to tie the marriage together outseide of the bedroom.

  12. 12 another one Mar 16th, 2008 at 10:44 am

    sex is just the icing

  13. 13 brook Aug 8th, 2008 at 8:19 am

    You must have one of the three important things in order to have healthy marriage. If you have more than one you are very lucky. These three things are;1)l ove 2) money 3) fame ( especially ladies like it very much). If you have the three factors together you are blessed.

  14. 14 Tony Smites Nov 3rd, 2009 at 9:44 am

    I was researching online for something intresting to be that i would like to look into and I found your site on google. Just finished reading a few of some of your other intersting posts here. I’ve already added your site to my Google News Reader so i can always get first-hand read whenever there’s new posts from you.

    Many thanks for your good and educative posts and please keep up the good work as I look forward to reading more of your posts in the nearest future.

  1. 1 Happy Couples: What’s Their Secret? at Tadias Magazine Pingback on Aug 22nd, 2007 at 9:38 pm
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